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I am alive...

There is one person in particular that this is for, but for the rest of you that have ever attempted to track or care about me, yes, I am alive. I am married with my third child. She's amazing, he is amazing. I'm working. Photography is not happening. I'm discouraged, but life goes on. Check and mate, life. Check and mate.

Jun. 5th, 2010

It is no longer (nor should it have ever been) enough to be just a passionate photographer, nor simply a technically proficient one. A true man of the lense must be both, and a bit of a philosopher as well.

Apr. 19th, 2010

We've been romantic interests for more than a couple years.
Two weeks ago we're talking about dating, but taking it slow because she's still not quite over her ex of recent disposal.
One week ago I'm the big brother and she's not dating anyone because it's going to take longer to get over ex than she thought.
Tonight, she's getting married and moving to Washington, and not to the recent ex.

Feeling lied to. Check.
Feeling used. Check.
Angry and more than a little hurt. Check.

Note to anyone reading. If you are using some guy as a random fuck just to get your rocks off, the least you can do is let him know that. Odds are that he will be okay with that to some extent. Don't let him believe that it could go somewhere. Contrary to popular belief we have feelings and get hurt too.

Heard it all before...

Check list of things I've heard...

Title: Friend Zone
Phrase: Let's just be friends, We can still be friends, I want to keep our friendship, any variation thereof.
Sounds like: You're okay, but I found someone with a better job, nicer car, cooler house, better looks, etc..
Commonality: Common

Title: Big Brother Curse
Phrase: I love you like a brother, You're just like a big brother to me, any variation thereof.
Sounds like: You're okay, but I'd rather just keep you around for when I need something from you.
Commonality: Common

Title: Affairs
Phrase: I'm married.
Sounds like: Well, that's pretty obvious I think.
Commonality: Rare, but it happens.

Title: Bad Timing
Phrase: I'm just not ready for this, I'm still in love with my ex, I need to focus more on my (whatever)...
Sounds like: You were fun, but not fun enough to make me commit any amount of time to you.
Commonality: Extremely Rare.

Title: ??????????
Phrase: You just aren't worth a relationship.
Sounds like: ???????????????????????????
Commonality: Nope, this is a new low, even for me.
Feels like: ??????????????????????????????

The Peak

What does it take to bring you to orgasm? What does it take to take you to the very edge, hang you there and then just when you think you can't take it anymore, push you of into the mind blowing ecstasy that seems like it will last forever. You have to tell me you know. I'm not a mind reader. I can't just simply use the tried and true from the books and magazines that the educated man is supposed to read. You are unique. A special form of my own personal torture. I am begging you to let me know how to please you. What touch? What words? What whispers of sweet nothings? What spot where lips meet flesh will put you into your own personal heaven and hell, simultaneously? At what point does the brush of my finger go from a casual and gentle touch, to a tantalizing, provoking, teasing tickle of pleasure? What must I do to get you to fall into my arms? Your warmth comforts me when you allow me to take you into me. Your scent transports me to another place and time. A place where the world is right, no matter what is wrong. I forget myself when I'm with you. All I can think about is making you happy. And yet, you refuse to tell me what I must do to make that happen.
Speak to me, teacher. Teach me the ways of the wise.
Speak to me, oh muse. Inspire me to greater heights.
Speak to me, great one. Empower me to accomplish all that you seek for me to accomplish.
Speak to me, friend. It is you that I rely on, that I run to and that I dream of nightly.
Speak to me. Talk to me. Whisper to me. Allow me to dream sweet and wondrous dreams. SING to me. And above all, tell me the secrets of your pleasure. The orgasm in life. Of mind, body, soul and spirit.

Do I ask too much? Do I seek the answers to all of life's questions? Am I yearning after the knowledge that all men desire?

Yes. Yes I am. And yet these are not unattainable goals. Only questions that you and only you can answer.

What am I to you? Am I a toy? A plaything? A warmth to replace the forfeited fire that used to burn but has been doused?

What must I do to change the way life has been for you?

The questions we have all been taught to ask. The who, what, when, where, why and how of life? You have these answers, whether you know it or not, and once you give them to me, then I will do everything in my POWER to make your wildest dreams come true.

It is the reason I live, it is why I breathe. It is the inspiration I look for through the jaded lens of my shuttered camera. It is the filter through which I view life looking for the images that will somehow force those around us to take note and pay attention to our fellow man (and woman).

This is what we are missing, This is what we're all looking for.

The orgasm of the body, mind, soul, and spirit.

Texas - Day 5

So, I'm back in Texas. I'm still freaked out, I'm still a little nuerotic, but all in all it's still not bad. Today is the first day that I haven't run all over the place, and I'm kind of looking forward to the calm. Of course with the calm comes laundry, unpacking and loud music. You know, the usual.

Landed at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport at around 9:30am on Wednesday. My sister, brother, mother AND grandmother were all there to pick me up.
Being that food is VERY important to me, my family, and pretty much anyone that knows anything about anything, the very first thing we did is head straight to Sonic. Sonic Burger with mustard, tater tots and a vanilla chocolate Dr. Pepper. Don't judge me, it's an awesome drink. I know none of that sounds relevant to relevant to relocation, but look at it from my point of view. The last thing I had before leaving Hawaii was pancakes from KOA Pancake House in Wahiawa because I will never get pancakes that good ever again in my life and there is no KOA anywhere but Hawaii. So the first stop on the list is Sonic, because I have been craving Sonic for YEARS!!! It's just not fair that there is no Sonic in Hawaii, and yet we still got the commercials for them! It's like Olive Garden, but at least there was an Olive Garden on one of the other islands. NO SONIC!

Headed back to Memaw's house, bummed around, messed with my little brother and my sister, hung out with Wendy (my cousin, who is totally Awesome), showed off pictures from Iraq and Hawaii, napped. Missed a dinner with Amanda (my other cousin, who is totally awesome) that was planned, but they were cool about it. I guess they figure that since I live in Texas now it won't be two years before I show up again, so it's cool.

Crashed out relatively early, got up early, had a traditional Dallas breakfast with Memaw and everyone, and headed up on the roof with Cordell (my brother) to do our grandson duties. Technically we're there to "work" cleaning off the roof, trimming hedges, etc.. But seriously, a 14 yr old and a 28 yr old on a house roof with power tools? That's not work.

Went to see my Uncle in the Hospital. He was there for reported clogging of arteries. We were there for a few hours, you would've thought it was a family reunion, not a hospital visit. Everyone just laughing and joking and having a good time. Four hours of visiting for what was supposed to be a 2 hour surgery. Turns out they were done half an hour later because the was ABSOLUTELY no blockage. My Aunt swears it's an answer to prayers, the docs swear it means he moved during the scans. My uncle swears that it's irrelevant and all that means is he can order a triple cheeseburger from Whataburger since he CAN in fact eat it without fear of killing himself. Being the smart man he is, he started with a sirloin burger from the hospital instead.

Left from the hospital with Wendy to go back to her place so we could go to a show that night. Brandon Rhyder is an excellent country singer. It was a good show. Learned that I could easily become addicted to Taco Bueno (food so horrible that it's amazing). It's like Taco Bell but better. However, that being said, no place called "The Glass Cactus" can call itself a country western bar. Ridiculously nice place, valet parking, great bar, nice staff, etc., but WAY too high class for me. I mean, honestly, Restroom Attendants? In a bar? Way too snooty for me. Still, great show, good company, and a few Jack and Cokes that were tasty. Going out with Wendy is always a good time. And she even apologized for not having any single friends along this time, lol. What a cousin.

Crashed at Wendy's, met up at Memaw's friday morning, packed up and headed out with Amy (my ridiculously cool sister), and headed down to Temple. She even let me drive. She's so sweet. Did accidentally leave my camera in her truck (and now everyone that knows me freaks out, but give me a break I was tired), but it's no big deal because I can't see well enough to focus my camera until I get new glasses. She's bringing it back to me on Monday or Tuesday. Went to Olive Garden with Kristin, which was just as amazing as I remember. (see earlier note about asshole Hawaii commercials for food I couldn't get). Started a Gilmore Girls marathon. No snide comments necessary, it's a funny show.

Got to hang out with my sons and their mom and her husband yesterday in Killeen. It was fantastic. My sons remembered me, which I was totally freaking out about, and Mandy (ex-wife) and I got along just fine, which is a new development on both of out parts. I hope we can keep it up. Dave (ex's husband) and I got along just fine, but we've always seen kind of eye-to-eye and I've never had a problem with him. He's good people. We just sat and talked and played in the park. Good times had by all. I'm really happy to be home. I had to thank Mandy for making me truly feel welcomed home. Stopped by Patti's (mother-in-law, er, former mom-in-law) house on the way out of town. You really have to love that woman. She and Jim seemed really happy to see me. Either that or she was trying to kill me. She hugged me so hard I had to stop me because I couldn't breathe. I love Patti, always will. The coolest mom-in-law ever, and you should see her with my boys. She loves everyone so much it's almost crazy.

And now it's today... Not running around, not trying to kill myself to do a bunch of stuff. Just hacking around on the net, unpacking slowly, and doing laundry.

Made contact with Whit. I'm really excited to see her, I can't even remember when she came to Hawaii and we met, but it seems like forever ago and she was amazing and fun to hang out with. Bringing my camera down to Austin so we can go act a fool and she can teach me two step. Eventually. I don't think she quite realizes what kind of work she's got herself cut out for teaching me to dance, but I'm sure she's up to it.

So, I'm home, and happy to be here. All I need to do now is get a vehicle (my motorcycle would be SO nice), and a job before I have so much free time on my hands that I begin with thoughts of loneliness and I'll be good.

More later. Probably less details, but you know. Excitement prevails!


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